This newsletter is for parents who are being rejected by their children and those who support them. I will be sending regular newsletters to give suggestions and support to parents dealing with rejection from their children on all levels. I generally support parents whose children are 18 years and under; however, some of this will apply to parents with adult children as well.
It’s so hard not being able to see your child as much as you used to. Maybe you are being restricted now and have little to no contact. That is hard enough on a parent, but when the holiday season comes around, it’s especially difficult.
Writing to Your Child
One simple idea to reach out to your child during this time is a handwritten card or letter that briefly states how much you love them. It's understandable that you may be angry or frustrated about not being able to see your children. Having all of those feelings make sense; you might feel so hurt that all you can think of is how unfair it is for you and your child right now.
It's important to make this about your support or love for them. The idea of unconditional love needs to come through.
Avoid putting demands or making threats to your children if they don’t want to see you. Restricting presents or expressing anger towards them will most likely push them away.
Picture when you first held your child. Remember how strong that feeling was when you first held your baby and looked into their adorable little face? Or maybe you adopted a child, and cuddling or reading to them was that joyous moment you remember. Now that you have remembered that positive moment, reaching out to your child from a loving space will be easier.
Keep it brief to less than one page or card.
Here are some ideas of topics you can write to your child about to help them feel how much you love them:
How proud you are of their accomplishments, like at school, an activity, or other significant milestone.
Reminisce about an especially memorable holiday activity or moment in the past when you didn’t have a strained relationship.
Being brief and positive will increase your chances of a door opening to your child sometime in the future. You may not see it right now, but these positive interactions with them are like planting seeds to help them realize you are not all “bad” or “scary.” Without any contact, children could forget any positive memories about one .
Giving Presents
Parents will often ask me whether they should give presents to their children and what kind of presents to give them over the holidays. In the middle of facing rejection from one’s child, these decisions can be especially hard for a parent to make.
Most children feel caught in the middle of their parents' break up and will do their best to regulate their own emotional systems by taking sides. Taking away a present when a parent would have ordinarily given one to their child can feel punitive. Children may feel like a parent doesn’t love them anymore. Or they may feel like a parent will only give them a present if the child does what a parent tells them to do, like coming over to the parent’s house for the holidays, therefore feeling manipulated. Some parents say, “If you come over for our family party, you can get your present. You won't get your present if you don’t come over.”
Presents should not be used to lure your child back to seeing you. In my experience, I have never seen this work at all. It tends to push children away from the rejected parent more. If you are used to giving presents for the holidays or birthdays, continue to do so.
Some common concerns arise for parents when considering presents for their child. The following are some concerns and possible solutions:
Children will not get their present and never know you sent one, or they will throw their presents away and waste your time and money.
Solution: Only give presents you have enough money to duplicate (not whole gaming systems, jewelry, etc.). Buy two and give one to your child, and then keep the other stored for a later time (even if it’s ten years from now). Think of something that will not spoil (like food) or expire (like gift cards).
Children refuse to take what you are trying to give them.
Solution: Mail a handwritten card or letter instead and keep the present for when you can see your child again.
Children feel bad if your co-parent makes derogatory remarks about your present.
Solution: You cannot control a co-parent and what they say to your child. Make this as positive as you can with your child. Send a card to go with it and talk about celebrating a milestone or a special memory you have from that holiday.
If now is not the time you are allowed to give gifts, using these techniques and continuing to collect the gifts you would have given can turn this tough time into hope for your future. Can you imagine what it will be like when your child returns and sees what you had waiting for them when they are ready? I predict it could warm their hearts. And they would know that you were there the whole time and trying.
Self Care
Being without your child during this time of year makes it harder than usual. You have memories of spending special time with your child and all of the traditions you used to enjoy during winter break. Now your home feels empty without your child.
Working with parents over the years, this time of year has been an especially tough time for them to cope with not having their child around. Family vacations are interrupted or canceled. For those who celebrate Christmas, opening presents on Christmas morning is different without a child there. It feels like everything is turned upside down, and you are missing an important opportunity in your child’s life to create new memories.
If you are feeling sad and lonely because you aren’t able to spend as much time with your child during this season, you are not alone. When situations are out of your control, there is only one thing you can do to help yourself get through this period: take care of yourself. During times when you want to see your child but cannot, focusing on yourself may help you. By taking care of yourself right now, you may:
Experience a sense of peace.
Think creatively about ways to reach out to your child in the future.
Give yourself time to reconnect with your family or friends.
Reduce stress by stepping back from the situation for a while.
Some ways that can help you get a break from this stress are:
Clear your mind: Find a meditative “app” to help you with relaxing breaths and visualizing, like https://www.headspace.com/. Just 5 to 15 minutes daily can take the edge off stress.
Move your body: There are so many ways to do gentle movements for your body to increase blood flow and create relaxation:
Gentle yoga or basic leg and arm stretches (if medically allowed). Trying an app can make this a mindless activity like https://www.downdogapp.com/
Walking around your block for 10-15 minutes.
Focusing on tasks that don’t take a lot of thought and concentrate on the texture, sound, or smells while doing those tasks:
Mindful coloring.
Crafts, sewing, or baking.
Woodworking.
Painting, watercolors, or paint-by-numbers.
Gardening.
Being in nature like a park, beach, or mountain and taking in all of the sounds and smells of that place.
Feel the sun's warmth on your skin or perhaps a breeze or mist on your face.
Listen to birds or other nature sounds.
Observe the patterns of trees and their branches or the rhythm of the water as it laps across the shore of a lake or beach.
Notice the footprints on the ground or the colors of the flowers or seaweed.
Writing about how you feel can be a way to get those emotions out of your body. Consider sitting down and listing all the things that are upsetting you or causing stress, then tearing it up, shredding, or burning it (safely). Then, move into some physical activity to help release those emotions that have been bottled up. It may not make them completely disappear but may take the edge off a little.
Taking time for yourself is so important, as it will not only be beneficial to your well-being, but it will also help you be in a calmer mental state when you can see your child again. Remember, there is hope.
-Cathy Himlin